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Why?

This is invariably the first question that I'm asked when I tell someone about my self injury that isn't already familiar with the concept. And it's always a tough one to answer. When I'm in a certain mindset, feeling guilty or foolish or sad or frustrated or angry, then there's a sort of mental whamming going on in my head. Except it's not a pendulum, it's a hammer pounding my hand, or a knife cutting my arm. And sometimes acting on those thoughts is the only way to get them out of my head. I used to think that that was the only reason that I cut myself, as a way to get emotions out without actually being emotional. As a way to avoid emotions I guess. I can deal with physical pain better than emotional pain anyday. Better the pain that I choose, that I cause, that I can start and stop when I want, than a pain that controls me. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is just one of a bunch of reasons that I do what I do. And I'm going to try to explain here, why, because I want people to understand.

I cut because cutting makes me feel strong and in control when emotions make me feel weak and vulnerable. It's a way to punish myself for getting emotional. It's a way to distract myself from things. It's a way to prove to myself that I am strong when things make me feel weak and vulnerable. I think that if pain and blood don't bother me, then that makes me strong, and I want to be strong more than anything else is. It's a way of getting myself accustomed to the pain. It may hurt, but I need to know that I can take it, because I want to be tough and self sufficient and in control. Those are all reasons that I self injure, and there's one more that I can think of right now. I don't want people to know that I cut myself intentionally, that's the last thing that I want people to know about me, but sometimes I want people to see the cuts, to see the scars. It makes me think that that's how I can show people how strong I am. And that makes me feel guilty, because that's asking for attention in a way, and I shouldn't have to do that. Also along the lines of people seeing the results of my self injury, sometimes I want people to notice, so that they'll worry. Before you start thinking that I'm nothing but a manipulative self centered attention-seeker, lemme finish. I hate guilt, and nothing makes me feel guiltier than knowing that someone is worried about me, especially if its someone that I love and care about. I don't want people to worry about me. How am I? I'm fine. I'm always fine. But there's a part of me way in the back of my mind somewhere that equates worrying with caring. Logically, I know that the two don't have to go hand in hand. You can care without worrying. But I can't tell someone that I'm not fine, because then I'll feel bad for whining and complaining. But if I cut myself, let's call it an accident because as far as anyone is concerned that's what it is, then people can see that something is wrong without me telling them anything. It's not what's really wrong. It's not what I want them to worry about. But at least if they notice, and say something, then I know that they care. It's a twisted way of thinking, I realize that. But I don't know quite how to change it.

And I guess I cut sometimes because I hate myself, or I hate the way I feel and act.

Self injury is an addiction, and like other addictions, sometimes I do it for no good reason at all. There's no specific trigger, I just want to and I can't think about anything else until I do. More and more often, I can't pinpoint my reasons for cutting except to say that I felt like I had to do it. This is scariest for me because it's more random, less in control, less easy to explain.

My story was chosen by Vanessa at Healthy Place to be the first self injury experience on her new website. Its an honor for me to be a part of her community.

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Self injury is an addiction, and like other addictions, sometimes I do it for no good reason at all. There's no specific trigger, I just want to and I can't think about anything else until I do.