spreading knowledge and awareness about mental health issues 

Learning to Love Myself Again.
[This was written by a woman named Naomi who is recovering from depression, and learning to love herself again. She posted it on a bulletin board and I am reposting it here with her permission.
Overall this story is positive and optimistic, however topics include depression, abuse, and self injury. This may be triggery or upsetting to some readers. Please take all precautions to keep yourself safe. -Ren]

It has been months since I have been with my soon to be ex - husband. I thought the scariest thing for me to do was to leave him and be on my own surviving in what I saw as a cold hard world. But now I am there, and yes the world can be cold and hard. I live in a mobile home again, but in much worse conditions than I ever remember. I have no heating system except a wood burning stove and no sink in the kitchen. All this was what scared me, being there suffering, but now I know that this is where you learn your strengths and where you gain knowledge of yourself.

I have found myself, finally and almost fully. I will never find myself fully and this is a good thing now. I see a different me each day, a me that is full of creativity and a me that likes to be challenged, that won't stop until she explores each and every bit of this world and dissects it, only leaving the positive in her life.

I won't tell anyone a lie, it has been hard, the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. But while it is hard in one way it is easier in another. I no longer have to face what my husband did to me, which I have not stated on this webpage. I prefer to not speak of his actions to keep the peace for my children, and that is the only reason, because beyond that I have every right to state what was done to me in the past. But I will leave segments of it out and you all can wonder what I mean :-)

I will speak of him though. I must speak of him and I have every right to speak of him because wrong has been done to me. I see this now, now that I am no longer under his control and I also realize from his more recent actions how long and how much he has controlled me.

So here is much of my past with him, it is edited for the sake of others, but I at least have an opportunity to state true facts about my past.

I first met him when I was sixteen. I was a baby and I did not know better. My only need in life was to rebel against my parents and have security at home. I was able to rebel but never had that security that I needed. My parents were getting a divorce and I didn't know what I was going to do, how I was going to survive. My deepest fear was to live on my own. I did not know how to survive on my own. But what I did not realize at sixteen, I realize now - at sixteen all teens are afraid of independence and these years are the most important years in learning the true meaning of it.

I guess he saw my fear of independence. I guess he saw that I was afraid to take care of myself. And I guess in a deeply different way he was also in love with me, and his fears of losing me were getting in the way of how he should have treated me (plus he had some past that caused him to dislike women, I am guessing). So he was in ways a predator, but yet I didn't see that predator part in him except for the first few times that I met him. I was an honest, open person who did not like to judge others on first impressions and I would say now that I wish that I had, but this is not true for I would have never had my children or met some important people in my life online if I had not chosen this path with him.

It is good to be those traits, honest and open, caring and giving. But these traits can cause injury and pain upon those that hand them out. While they are truly good traits and something all of us should have, they are perceived as weakness. But I would never change these traits inside of me. The only thing that I have changed is my naivete. I am no longer naive like I used to be. I no longer will allow decisions to run through me with my heart, instead I will allow decisions to run through me with my mind and my love, which are much different things than the heart. The heart is ruled strictly on emotion while love is ruled on compassion and understanding and also it is ruled on love for oneself. I see now many things in my life that I didn't see before, when I was a child with him, and when I was in my depression with him, and the times between as well.

So back to him and what he has done to me. It started off really nicely. He treated me good and we had fun together. But rapidly I became dependent on him and rapidly he ran with this dependence. He began to try to change me, to change who I was entirely; and while it looked to both of us like I really had changed, my heart hadn't changed which added to my depression in my future years. I was not being true to myself. He began to insist on me giving up my dreams using many persuasions that I believed were caring ones, but now realize were selfish ones on his part. I gave up my writing and threw away a book I had finished because he told me he was afraid I would get so caught up with my writing and fame that I would leave him behind. The last thing I wanted to do at the time was hurt him so I let that go. And than he insisted that I give away my singing as well, and than he started to preach to me my role as a girlfriend and future wife. I was a woman, I shouldn't work, the both of us shouldn't have friends, although it ended up that we hung around with his friends all the time. I found out after I left him that he told my older sister that he would change the woman he married and make sure that she stayed at home and watched soap operas and had no friends even though he would have his own. He had plotted from the beginning that I would lose these human needs and rights. And I did. I did foolishly, but I was young and did not know better than this.

Than as time passed on he started to change, making me believe I was the one changing, and really I was, but only because he kept asking for this change. He became hard to deal with, and hard to understand, and very cold to me. He asked me to do things that were not right within my soul, things that were what I felt was wrong for me to do. I became bi-sexual for a while for him, but never wanted this in my heart. I had been foolish and I see it now. I see that as a teen I didn't realize that if I had to change, the relationship wasn't right. If I was expected to change, the relationship was dead.

He spoke during the first months of what our relationship had to be. And he preached to me of why women shouldn't have certain rights like jobs, and so I listened because he sugar coated it and because I was a teen watching my parents at the time going through divorce. I was turned into another girl, someone I didn't respect, someone that had nothing to do with me and would never have anything to do with me. So I became the girl he wanted. I was slowly withdrawing from society. I was slowly covering my body from head to toe so that not even my ankles would be seen and I looked like a slob to the world. My confidence level was dropping. And I was trying within my heart so deep to persuade myself that women were not supposed to work. I couldn't ever persuade myself, so I drifted deeper into the depression I feel I was born with. So my world felt dark and I couldn't figure that out. I used to ask others how to get out of a depression which I didn't understand how I got.

I watched my parents as my dad moved out and didn't even notice when he had moved out. I guess in a way I needed to not notice my parents’ problems. And than finally the divorce came, the separation came first and I left with my mind my dad's house as my father moved back in and my mother moved out. I got afraid of my love for Ray this first time. I didn't realize it then, but it was telling me something, that I was following a pattern of eventual future pain.

We got into drugs. We did drugs a lot and this helped ease my mind but brought a future pain for me. During this time we were living together in our second place. It was a mobile home in bad condition. He did things to me, things I cannot speak about here because of the conflict that it would cause. But he did things that ended up changing me forever. And so I went full force into self inflicted injury because of my fear of my weakness, of not leaving him when I found out he slept with my sister, and even worse the things that he had done. And I began to want to kill myself, but couldn't. When I placed the razor on my arms, I could only cut. So this is how I became a habitual cutter and this is how I got even more lost inside my mind.

And than he changed, became a better person once he stopped using cocaine and crank. I changed as well and I quit pot when I was pregnant. I would not take his actions any more. I refused to take his actions any more, and so soon the torture stopped to a large extant, but not within my mind. Within my mind it continued, and within us he still hurt me, but I hurt him in return. It became a game for us, but neither ever won this horrible game and soon my cutting was to the extent of what I described in my diary. I began to stab my leg and I began to become suicidal. I no longer cared if I went to hell, as I felt I was in hell. My denial had placed me there, my anger against myself had placed me there.

I did not realize this then, when I was foggy minded, but I hated myself for staying after he treated me a certain way. My mother went through some things that were similar in a much different fashion and I told myself before I met him that I would never allow this to happen to me, and yet I did. And because of this promise to myself, I felt I had to live up to the promise, but instead of leaving him, I denied it all. It felt easier but really it was so much harder.

So I have partly explained my past with my soon to be ex. I will now explain how I am now. I am free! Sometimes I still get depressed and allow others to run over me, and recently I cut, but this no longer controls my being, and when I was done cutting I realized that I would not do this again. It meant nothing anymore.

I was asked by someone on our webpage,"does this ever end?" Yes, for me it does. I will always be a self injurer, but I am no longer depressed and I am now a recovering self injurer. I have contemplated during these hard years of my depression why I cut, but I never contemplated how to solve this. I thought in figuring out why I cut I would solve it but really I never did. It was a technique to avoid the true answer. The true answer is there within you, some sort of self blame perhaps or a source of denial. The denial was broken for me. It was that much harder and I fell into a deep suicidal phase where I almost killed myself, and am only alive due to God not allowing me to die. I tried to jump from a car going 130 mph, but the door would not open due to the pressure. Yes it does stop! But you must believe that it will stop, you must want it to stop and it must be when you are ready. Forcing it will only cause it to continue that much worse, so the way to stop it is to learn life and to also respect yourself. Depression can end. I know it is not something you want because I did not want it. You did not go into the world as a child saying "I want to grow up to be depressed."

Realizing that you are not responsible for the depression or the choice of depression does help to place the power in your hands. To accept that you have the power is the first way of clarity. Once you accept that, you can then face what it is that causes your depression and than the battle will become a winning battle because you can then say, "I know the answers to this deep inside me, even if I can't admit it to myself and when I am ready for this to be over it will happen. I cannot expect miracles because with that expectation I will always stay this way". It is hard to explain why I got out of my depression besides leaving my husband. I now believe it wasn't only leaving him that caused this to end but the fact that I faced and continue to face my fears.

There are things I have been learning and I will write them in number form because it is alot easier to write it that way.

1. Blame - I was big on blame, I blamed all others and I needed that blame for a while. I needed to figure out why I was depressed and that others were to blame for much of my depression, but after a while blame does not work. I realize now that if I continue to blame others I do not get to the true need - healing. I need to not blame period and say, ok so others (or myself) wronged me (or others) but how do I right me (or them) instead of allowing the pain to take over? It is a new found reality, to realize you have more control. So the past hurts, and it does, but it is unchangeable and that can be painful to realize. But one thing that is in control is the future. I used to sit and hate myself for wrong doings, and I would create a cycle of those wrong doings, only allowing in the negative in my life. I did not know how to stop feeling bad about what I had done and what others had done to me. Once I was able to release these pains, I could tell myself that each day I was given because I can change my life. I might not ever change the fact that my ex husband hurt me in many ways, but I can change the fact that he will no longer hurt me now that I have learned who I truly am. Because I have the power of my future and he will not overrule that. He lost his control the day I stopped my blame on myself and him. I know this sounds like I am preaching, well really don't know if it does. If it does I hope not. I am trying to think back to when I was depressed and if I read this, if it make sense to me or if it cause me to be angry and look at it like it is not that simple. So let me state this, no, it is not that simple. Depression is the hardest pain out there in my opinion. It is so internal and sometimes the mind will not allow the positive, but I want you to know that in time when you are ready it is possible, and so what I wanted to say is this: it will happen and in time you will see that, and your life will be better. Don't ever give up on yourself. I did, and I almost killed myself, and now I look back to that time and realize that if I had killed myself, I would not be where I am at now. I would not be free from depressions’ control and would not be able to try to help others out there whom I completely understand how they feel.

2. Self esteem - self esteem is hard to gain but it can come in an instant. Never let others determine your self esteem. This is dependency. You can only receive this through yourself and others merely help you along the way. I realize now I didn't need kind words from others. I only needed to stop the negative words from others. I am now in this class called success skills and have learned a lot. I have learned that if you look at life all negative you have no room for the positive. In order to bring in the positive you must take away the negative. This seems hard, but the first way you can be positive in it all is to say, "I might not have the time now, or the high self esteem now to change this, but eventually I will." This is a trainer. You have now begun to give yourself hope, hope that can be reached, hope that you are worthy of having. And this path you choose with just this one start can have a domino affect on your mind. You just released one negative for a positive and you have succeeded, bringing up your self esteem and realizing if you can change one thing that has hurt you, you can change all things. You have given your control back to the only one that deserves control over you, and that is to you.

3. Rule of six - My teacher taught me this. It might or might not help anyone out there, but it has helped my internal war and my feeling that the whole world is terrible. The rule of six is this: there are six possible explanations for every situation. This means that there needs to be reasoning inside your head. For example, if someone was to speak harshly to you, there must be more than one reason. My first reason way back when was this: they hate me. That is one of six. But there can be others: they had a personal problem going on, they treat all others this way and don't even realize they are being rude, they feel insecure about themselves, they are in some sort of pain and are unaware of how to speak properly, they don't even realize they act this way with others. The last reasoning can lead to many things on its own. They possibly have a low self esteem and if they truly are unaware how to speak properly, they might wonder why they are always rejected. This leads to another lesson I was taught: ask, don’t tell. If you ask and not tell you are a better communicator. You listen and understand, you don't merely listen but you hear what they have to say, and you are released from a weight if you can understand it isn't as personal as you might think. I know for me as a self injurer, I have taken all things into my hands as personal. Once I realized the rule of six and the ask don't tell, I have began to realize that many times it is not me. It is because of them that they are upset and I also realize I can not help others, only they can help themselves. I can only lead by example and listen and give advice when others are ready for it, if and only if they ask me. I have learned so much due to this rule of six. I have taken a lot of stress off of my back. I don't blame myself as much or feel that I am a outcast now that I have released this auto pilot of assuming that everyone hates me.

4. HOLD THE HOPE - It is all you have. It is true that all life is about is hope. Remember as a child, hope was dreams. When did we stop dreaming? I stopped dreaming when others hurt me, and others did many things including telling me that I couldn't dream, that life was not about dreams and dreams did not come true. This is part of why I was depressed. I stopped dreaming. This was what I should never have done. I did hold hope, though, and that is the primary thing that got me through my depression. Hope is needed; hope is more needed than food at times. Hope gives you life, a goal, a fulfillment and many other positive aspects. I ask you this, do you feel (if you are depressed) that you have to do something, and you feel restless, and the depression starts to take over, but you don't know what that something you need to do is? In life we all have a calling, or you can call it a dream. It truly is what we were placed on this earth for. You might not believe that you have a talent in whatever dream you had in your childhood, but truly you did. Just the need and passion for this dream is enough to create talent. Talent is truly only one thing, from the heart. I am talented in writing because that is my love. Whatever you love is what you were meant to d, and what you will become talented in. You just have to believe and practice and not expect it to come all of a sudden. This is holding the hope. I need a purpose and I must search that purpose out. I have found my many purposes. I will finish my book, I will help others and I will help to make this world a better place to live, but mainly I will always fight and look at each hardship as a challenge and also as a learning experience.

5. Fight a different way - The battling of bad luck or pains by asking over and over "why me?" can lead only to more pains. The only true way to win the battle is to do whatever you need to do in that situation, and that eventually you will learn from it. Treat it as a learning experience. If you have an unexpected bill, you have now learned how to call and find out about the bill. You have learned to face this new stress; you have learned to manage money in order to pay for the bill. This works with all problems. There is always a reason for a problem that is positive, and if you view it this way, you often find it no longer is really a problem but a gift, because you have become stronger. You can even take it one step further as I often try to do. I believe in karma. I believe there must be a reason for everything that happens. If I get a flat tire, I must have just missed an accident that would have caused me more bad luck. Looking at things like that makes it easier for me. This is my hardest one to conquer because I still tend to want to fight a battle that I will lose if I am to just say "why me" and often I still do. And often this is what causes my stress, not the bad luck but how I handle it. This is one I still need to work on. This one is why I love my boyfriend Mark so much. He somehow learned to stay calm always in bad situations, something I truly admire about him.

6. Facing fears - So I am healed. I feel it inside me. I began to heal when I faced my fears. There is a definition about fears and I cannot remember the exact words but it is something like this: fears are merely illusionary, they only create hesitance inside of you. When you face those fears you have now faced a challenge and no matter the outcome you have beaten this challenge because of the mere fact that you faced it. You now have filled your cup with more positive energy and with less negative. This becomes a pattern. The more you face your fears, the more fearless you become, to the point you feel you can do anything. The more that you fill yourself with positive the less room you have for negative. The more trained your mind is to allow this positive in, the better. This is nothing to be afraid of. But only when you are ready, because it is up to you if you feel you can handle it. That is one thing I have mainly learned and healed from. My fears overwhelmed me for years. I was afraid of poverty. I am now living in poverty, but if I had realized then the happiness I would gain from facing my fears and facing poverty, I would have left the first day he hurt me.

Any woman out there that needs to leave their husband and doesn't want to because of fear of poverty, DO IT! Don't let fears get in the way, don't let boulders get in the way, even if it seems you can not get help. You can, and the only way you will know this is to get out there and do it. Otherwise you will sit there (as I did) and wonder what would have happened if you had done it. If your soul and body tells you to leave and your logic says no because of poverty, remember which one is right. The soul and body needs happiness, logic only needs security, and there is more security in having a bad place but a strong heart and a high self esteem. And eventually as long as you have faith, you will survive out there. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and can do much more than we allow ourselves to see. If any of you need some help leaving your husband, if this is the cause of your depression, I would be happy to tell you some advice on how I did it. I am not at a level where I am comfortable yet, but I see things so much differently, and I see a full and wonderful life ahead of me. If you need to contact me, I will reply to you as soon as I can and I hope that will be soon enough (but I don't go online that much any more). Contact me at naomisays@hotmail.com. I will tell you now that the first step, the most important one, even though it feels humiliating, is to go to the welfare department. They offer classes, they might scare you but they are wonderful and I think the best part of the welfare system entirely.

Visit Lindsey, Jennie and Naomi's homepage at: msnhomepages.talkcity.com/SupportSt/cuttingwords/cuttingwords.html.

[Naomi, thank you for letting me share your story. You're so brave and I'm very proud to call you my friend. -Ren]

back

"I see a different me each day, a me that is full of creativity and a me that likes to be challenged, that won't stop until she explores each and every bit of this world and dissects it, only leaving the positive in her life. "

© RENWOLF 2000-2005 - all content and graphics belong to me unless stated otherwise.